Ever since having my daughter, I have been feeling a constant fluctuation between accepting that this season of life is not about me, while at the same time attempting to not lose myself in this new role as a mom. Society promotes maternal sacrifice as selflessness while discouraging self-care as selfish. Truth be told, I feel immense guilt spending any amount of time on myself or in pursuit of my goals. Shouldn't this season be about sacrifice? If I have a good work day, does that mean that my daughter didn't get enough of me?
I tend to believe that one area of your life will always take a back seat as you simply cannot prioritize every category of your life at once. If I'm not the one sacrificing, is she?
The moments I feel the most proud of myself as a mother are when she has my full attention and I'm actively participating in her development. Taking her to a class, a play date, or a learning activity of some kind. Days where we just "get by" not so much. When she's crying "Mama! Mama!" from my husband's arms as I walk past her and toward my office, much less so.
Conflicting messages from society don't help:
- Don't forget about you!
- The years are short
- Don't lose yourself
- They're only little for so long
- Put on your oxygen mask first
Some of the messages I've gotten from other moms:
"I've accepted that this stage is all about my kids. I'll have hobbies again when they're grown up."
Seems valiant, right? Not for a mom who's finally figured out how to carve out time for her new passion project. To her, this sounds like judgment. Now she questions if her endeavor is selfish and if she should abandon it to spend even more time with her child. Why? Well because this is the season of life for sacrifice!
"The days are long but the years are short. Soak up every moment."
Soak up every moment? That's a tall order. I can't possibly be expected to be fully engaged in every second out of the year. In case you haven't done the math, don't worry I've done it for you. That's 31,536,000 seconds that I am supposed to be soaking in. An impossible feat, even for vampires.
And when you consider just how many of those moments there are, surely I merit a small fraction of those to spend checking in on myself so that I can be a better mother in the rest.
Striking a Balance
I started asking myself, exactly how much self care is enough without being too much? How do I show up for myself without leaving my daughter with any less of me?
1. I started writing down the things that are going well. Moments when I know she's thriving and I know I am doing a great job. Today we played outside and we had such a great time. I knew she was so happy and that made me feel great. or I feel like I great mom when I get her at the end of nap time and she lights up, so happy to see me.
2. Look for patterns where you don't feel like enough. There may be tweaks and changes that can be made to fix the problems and alleviate some guilt. If I ever feel like I'm missing out on some part of her daily routine, I make changes in our schedule so my husband and I can trade off at different times.
3. Can I maximize these moments by being completely present - both by myself and with my daughter? You'd be surprised how much less guilty you can feel when you set your phone down. Sure you're physically present with your kids, but your mind is elsewhere. Even giving them a fraction of that time with your full attention can be a game changer. The same rule applies to spending even 5 minutes alone outside with a cup of coffee, staring at the clouds.
4. Recognize that no one has the answer. Not me. Not even your mom friends. Everyone is trying to find their balance. So if their messaging isn't consistent with your values, then that's okay. Neither is wrong. We're all just trying to right by our kids, our families, and ourselves.
Try to remember, even if it feels forced, that the quality of time spent with our kids diminishes the more burnt out that we feel. The better I feel, the better quality my interactions with my daughter. Do I want her to have 24/7 access to a miserable and emotionally unavailable grump or a rested, recharged, and positive influence? Quality over quantity. Because as much as I'd like to believe I can be a positive, healthy and happy parent who doesn't need "me" time until my kids are all grown up, I know that isn't my reality.
Some good reasons to exercise self care:
1. I am modeling to my kids what they can achieve whatever they want in life.
2. I am modeling the kind of self care that I hope my daughter practices one day for herself.
3. Self care makes me more happy, present, and patient with my daughter and creates a happier environment for our entire family.
4. Even a little bit of self care every day or every week get me further than if I'd waited until she was grown and started at that point.
I'd love to know your thoughts on the subject. What are some mental tricks you do to alleviate mom guilt?
If no one's told you today,
You're doing great, Mama. 💓
I am a blogger mama raising a toddler as I attempt to work from home, keep food on the table, and keep the house intact, all while finding those precious moments of self care. I hope my blog encourages moms to take it all in, to savor our time with out children without forgetting about ourselves in the process. My goal in creating this space is not about productivity, but getting the most out of this life we are lucky to live. Whether that means pursuing your passions or being a happy and present mom. Not to encourage moms to do more, but to support moms in whatever they desire to be.
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